You're a womanizer and a bitch.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
