It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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