Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
