After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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