I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
