i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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