On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
