We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
