Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
