I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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