nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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