Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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