his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
