And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Randomize