I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
