She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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