I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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