i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
