What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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