Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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