so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
