When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you win again, gameday.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
