we have pet lesbian snakes
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize