11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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