so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
