What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
