You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
