Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
