I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize