My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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