Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I don't deserve a penis
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
