i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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