I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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