i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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