i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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