i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize