I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
