You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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