i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
