im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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