i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
