dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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