You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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