I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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