Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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