your thong is hanging out like whoa
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
