I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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