you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
