census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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