this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
