If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
