Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So much rum. So many feels.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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