I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
