We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
