Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
