I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
