There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
