Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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