i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
