if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
