I cannot find my penis.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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