I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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