Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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