I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
