I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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